02/06/21

I’m not too sure how much I actually like this painting

I spent I spent a big part of my last studio day doing this final wallpaper painting tapestry style it’s 5 foot four high and it’s the cumulation of the data gathered from my sample group. I have been getting good feedback so far from those that see it - a lot of people have called it really interesting, nice to look at. quite a few classmates stop by my desk to watch me paint but there’s something about it that I am not completely connected with

It’s the nature of this wallpaper that the painting isn’t going to look completely clean with clean lines because it’s a rough surface and I knew that when I was going into it. I standby my choice to use that because metaphorically it fits very well with what my project has become. in my practice panel I was on a much smaller scale and I spoke to Gary about this as well, and he told me that if I’m going from small to much much bigger my mark making and my shakes had to do the same thing so I have to use bigger brushes, bigger brush strokes, mix extra paint etc. then I would’ve before. I think that was to its credit and its downfall it makes sense that I would use bigger brushes and bigger strokes but that sense of detail and intricacy isn’t necessarily there now because of how large things are. I directly reference some of the movements and choices I did in my practice painting which I thought was quite good, but some of them didn’t carry as nicely as I would’ve liked onto a larger scale.

In transporting at home I rolled the painting up, but some of the edge on one side was still a little bit wet from paint. some of the paper ripped onto it leaving little white specs on the heavier brushstrokes; I really like these little flecks and chose not to fix them, I think they’ve added some extra lightness and again details to some of the feature areas. I went back in with the smaller paintbrush at home to add some shadowing and depths of some of the areas that I wasn’t completely happy with which I think has helped a bit

in terms of recording and taking photos I would like to integrate it into a digital gallery space along with some of my other outcomes just to refer back to that initial idea and target I had for what the project outcomes would look like I need to photograph the tapestry but I’m really not sure where I can do this in my house so that the lighting is consistent but also somewhere I’d be able to stick it up using material stronger than Blu-Tack or masking tape because it’s quite heavy and I needed to nail it to my wall at uni to keep up so I’ll work that out

if this painting is meant to be representative of how others see me does this mean that I don’t like that person I see

I think it would be a very easy analysis of this outcome for me to say that the person I’m trying to portray of is the person that’s been described by my friends and therefore if I don’t like this self-portrait I don’t like myself and my outer personality I think that would be quite a shallow interpretation of what I was trying to do like I’ve already said and just realise is that the original idea of the project which was to capture my holding personality using other systems of data is a fruitless and impossible task even though I have accepted that the layer of my personality I will be the Pechstein is the outermost hence the wallpaper hence the plaster is it still no guaranteed accuracy similar to the wall of personality test beginning the way I’m gathering this data and the way it’s been communicated means it’s going through many different layers my friends could be implying something completely different than what I am inferring from the words they give me I have to take everything at face value as I see it otherwise I’m letting myself get in the way of what they said too much

does it matter if I don’t like this painting and therefore in a way myself?

at the beginning maybe it could definitely be said that part of this project does seem to be a sort of ego boosting power trip I’ve tons of people I know and told them basically to say nice things about me I didn’t say in that many words I didn’t tell them to be overwhelmingly positive but it’s turned out that most if not all of the data is gathered shows me in a nice light which is really flattering but that wasn’t really a necessity in this project I think that having outcomes that would show me are some sort of goddess angel person Would be bad and I personally would be unsatisfied with it I am a messy person and I am aware of my floors I don’t do this in spite of them but also I feel like I’ve gone past the point where I need positive data and opinions from these people for my own validation which on a different level is quite rewarding the messiness of this painting the slight errors the fact there are areas that are large and a bit unknown to why that there is more accurate to my character in my opinion

I said at the beginning that’s a way of evaluating this work could be that I would consistently look over and think is that accurate to me and although I’m not 100% sure if I even like the painting that probably is very accurate to me in my mind I’m still much younger than I actually am and I don’t even know if I like the person I’m becoming yet but the fact that I can acknowledge that and see the good parts of this painting is probably more important to this project as a whole it doesn’t tell me exactly who I am as my title would suggest it was but it definitely leaves me down of roads are starting to work it out

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